The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
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Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy