Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

love pickles so much i put myself in one

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

weird email i got today

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.