the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.