the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
When someone says you are so lazy
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?