the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
You Might Also Like
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day