Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

⚠️ Important Reminder:

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat