Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

There is no try. There is only give up.

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm