Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

Travel bloggers during quarantine

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.