Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.