I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
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if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”
[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
23. the denim jacket
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
DAVID BOWIE: We can be heroes!
DAVID BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: Oh. OK.
*bins blueprint for Batcave*
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.