@RatBatallion

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

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@RegularFred

Pizza is like racism. America didn’t invent it, but it’s hard to find a country that does it better.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

@PoodleSnarf

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

@IamJackBoot

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

@lawking30

She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.

@AmishPornStar1

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

@funnybrad

Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever

@Marlebean

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.