The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
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Thursday
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
You wish you had this many chins.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
This could be us… but you playing
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.