Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.