The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
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[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
The Assassin.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.