the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Breaking news:
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
