the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Love this one 😂🧟
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]