The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I would like even faster food.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money