Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.