The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.