Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa