Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

iPhone X

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing