Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”