Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😭😭

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees