Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.