Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus