The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
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Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.