Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth