Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

About to form my very first opinion

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*