Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”