The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
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My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
yeet
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
#Caturday
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia