The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
You Might Also Like
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American