The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
You Might Also Like
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
S O O N
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.