The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
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“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?