The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?