The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
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[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG