The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
You Might Also Like
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero