Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.