The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
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So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
School be like
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Twitter remains undefeated
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*