Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

A Match(.com), but for socks.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

im 7 sauces long

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs