The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
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Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I love you…
…r dog.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
It was worth a shot 😂
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*