Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide