the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
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my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Overindulged this afternoon.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
A Monday every week is excessive
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.