Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

Snapes on a plane.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.