Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.