Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

If a snake ate a cake

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.