The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
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My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what