The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
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Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Plant care tips
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm