The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
You Might Also Like
Practicing safe sax
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you