Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

The legends speak of a third Duran…

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me: