The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.
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DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
The answer is funnier than the question
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.