The first step is admitting you have a staircase.
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Math at Halloween.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)