The first step is admitting you have a staircase.
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I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic