The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
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[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
When I pack too much for a short trip.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
👽
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.