Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

oh my god

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

Harsh but fair

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

me after i passed that state trooper

Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos

Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

Carpe DM

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.