The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
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“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
roses are red
i fall when i skate
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My love language is deader than Latin
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Breaking news:
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.