The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
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i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.