The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
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Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green