The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
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imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader