Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

wow he looks just like him

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again