The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
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This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell