Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses