The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
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me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.