@philEfanaddict

The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.

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@PaperWash

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

@HPJArt

youtube led me to this guy who opens old military ration kits. he just ate a cracker from the civil war. im locked in for this quarantine

@theycallmehcat

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

@3Snowbee3

Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.

@WilliamRodgers

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

@bazecraze

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

@AngelaEhh

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.