*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
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*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
youtube led me to this guy who opens old military ration kits. he just ate a cracker from the civil war. im locked in for this quarantine
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
mom i AM the friend that jumps off the bridge
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.