The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
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Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
j o i m p
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”