The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
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A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
weddings should have a worst man
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Anime is real
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus