Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

I want what they have

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.