the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
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The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.