the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
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if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker